


Santa Baby

by velvetjinx



Series: Santa Baby [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Fetish, I blame CAPRBB slack chat, M/M, Santa is Real, Shameless Smut, Steve Rogers is Santa, did I mention this was crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 07:52:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11527851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velvetjinx/pseuds/velvetjinx
Summary: Steve wasn't looking for a new career. But when one lands in his lap, he figures he's just got to make the best of it.





	Santa Baby

**Author's Note:**

> This is all the fault of albymangroves aided and abetted by Roh, Gerry, and various other members of the CapRBB slack chat. 
> 
> I cannot believe I wrote this.

It was the middle of June, and a warm summer’s evening. Bucky had gone to a bar with Sam, but Steve had cried off, wanting a night in. Bucky had said he'd stay with him, but Steve had shaken his head, urging Bucky to go out and have some fun. 

Steve had just sat down with his book, Stephen King’s _Pet Sematary_ , when the doorbell rang. He looked out the peephole, but there was no one there. 

As he went to walk back to the sofa, the doorbell rang again. He flung open the door, looked around, then down when someone cleared their throat. 

Steve's eyes widened and he stared in confusion. “Uhhh…”

“Steve Rogers?” 

He rubbed his eyes. There was no way he had Christmas elves at his door, and yet they seemed to be talking to him.

“Yeah?”

“Oh good.” The elf sighed in relief. “Can we come in? This isn't really a conversation we want to have in a hallway.”

Christmas elves. Christmas elves who looked weirdly like the Howling Commandos team from the war. 

“Uh, sure.” He pushed the door wide, and the elves-- _elves!_ \--walked past him, into the apartment. 

When they were seated--all five of them fitting perfectly on the three-seater sofa, and Steve on an armchair--his manners kicked in. “Any of you want a drink?”

“No thanks,” the lead elf replied with a smile. “Look, what we’re gonna say will probably come as a bit of a shock, so brace yourself.”

Steve braced. 

“Santa Claus is real,” the elf said, his tone and expression so earnest that Steve let out a nervous giggle. “He is, but our previous Santa just decided to retire, and your name came out of the thingumagog as the next Santa.”

Steve blinked. “What who now?”

“The thingumagog is a machine. It tells us who’s been naughty and nice, and when needed will pick a new Santa. We've not needed that for three centuries, but now the last Santa decided to retire, we had to use ask it again. It said your name and address. We had to wait until your friend--”

“Boyfriend,” Steve interrupted, head reeling. 

“--Boyfriend left, because you're really not supposed to tell anyone except a spouse.” The elf paused. “I suppose you won't be willing to move to the North Pole right now.”

“You suppose right,” Steve replied. 

“That's fine, we can work around that. We're in pre-production right now so we don't need you there that much until September, really. Can you come with us now?”

“Not really. Bucky will worry if I'm not here when he gets back.” Steve still couldn't believe that this conversation was happening. 

“We can get you back in time, that's not a problem,” the elf told him with a smile. “If Santa can get around the whole world in one night, don't you think we can get you to the North Pole and back in a couple of hours?”

“Oh.” Considering everything that had happened to Steve over the years, this being the weirdest was certainly an achievement. “How will we get there?”

“We've parked the sleigh on your roof. Don't worry, it'll go invisible when we need it to.”

“Invisible,” Steve repeated weakly. “Um. Okay?”

“Splendid. Then let's go! You'd better take a coat. It's cold up north, even at this time of year.”

Steve nodded dazedly, and went to find his thickest winter coat. He grabbed his keys and followed the elves to the roof of his apartment block. Sure enough, there was a large sleigh, drawn by eight reindeer. 

“Come on, I'll introduce you,” the elf said, and Steve followed him over to the reindeer. “The front two are Dasher and Dancer, then Prancer and Vixen, then Comet and Cupid, and finally Donner and Blitzen. You can pet them if you want.”

Steve did so, and the reindeer stood patiently as he petted each one in turn. 

“All right then. Shall we make a move?”

Steve nodded and climbed into the sleigh with the elves, and within a moment they had taken off. Steve gripped his seat tightly, but soon relaxed into it as he realized that it was safe. 

Fifteen minutes later, they arrived at the North Pole, and Steve could hardly believe the distance they'd covered in such a short time. The sleigh landed next to a large building, and there were hundreds more elves striding in and out of it. 

The elves showed him around the workshop, and the elves’ quarters, and finally took him into a large cottage. 

“This is Santa’s house,” the elf explained. “It's yours, now, whenever you want to move in.”

“I can't move to the North Pole,” Steve said firmly. “I have a life in Brooklyn. I have friends. A job. My boyfriend. I can't just relocate to the middle of nowhere.”

The elf shrugged. “Well, it's here if you change your mind. We'll need you to come up at least every few weeks until September, then you'll need to come up more often. We'll leave you with the sleigh at that point, and you can just travel up and down by yourself.”

“Okay,” Steve said with a sigh. “I've really gotta get back now, though, before Bucky gets home.”

The elf nodded, and they took him back to New York. He'd been settled for about an hour when Bucky came back, grinning. 

“I hope that book was amazing, because you missed a great night tonight…” He paused, looking searchingly at Steve. “What's the matter? You look weird.”

Steve shook his head with a smile. “Nah, I'm fine. What were you saying?”

Bucky flopped down on the sofa beside him, plucking the book from his hands and marking the page before laying it on the coffee table, and leaned in to kiss him. “How about you fuck me now and we talk later?”

“Are you drunk?” Steve asked with a laugh. 

“Hmm, nope. Just a little tipsy. Barely drank anything.” Bucky buried his face in Steve's neck, before pulling back, looking confused. “Steve, why do you smell like Christmas?”

“Do I?” Steve tried to hide his nervousness. “Maybe it's my cologne.”

“Huh. Well, you smell _good_ ,” Bucky growled. “C’mon, baby, take me to bed.”

Steve grinned and stood up, before picking Bucky up bridal style and ignoring his protests of, “I'm not a fucking dame, Rogers!” as he carried him through to the bedroom. He dropped Bucky unceremoniously onto the bed and began to strip him down to his boxers. He quickly stripped himself and lay on the bed next to Bucky, who immediately pulled him in for a kiss. 

Bucky straddled him, rolling his hips against Steve's, and Steve groaned as Bucky's cock rubbed against his. He reached under Bucky's boxers to grasp his cock and stroke it lightly, and Bucky huffed against his mouth. 

“Oh, fuck, yeah, Steve, touch me like that,” Bucky moaned. 

“Thought you wanted me to fuck you?” Steve asked teasingly. Bucky's response was to climb off Steve and pull off his boxers, then leaned over to get the lube out of the bedside cabinet as Steve stripped out of his own underwear. 

Bucky handed the lube to Steve and lay on his back, knees bent and feet planted on the bed. Steve coated his fingers in the lube and leaned in to kiss Bucky deeply as he pushed the first finger inside, swallowing Bucky's gasps and moans as Steve opened him up. 

By the time Steve added a third finger, Bucky was moaning almost constantly, fucking himself on Steve's fingers, so fucking eager for it that Steve had to recite multiplication tables in his head to keep from coming there and then. 

“Fuck, Steve, I'm ready, just fuck me now,” Bucky whimpered, and Steve was more than happy to oblige. 

He pulled his fingers out gently, then slicked his cock in lube. Bending Bucky almost double, he positioned himself before pushing inside tight heat. 

Steve could feel Bucky's short nails digging into his back as his hips met Bucky's ass, and he leaned down to kiss him deeply. Bucky responded hungrily, then shifted his hips slightly. 

“Come on, Steve, fuck me, want you to fuck me now, please!”

Steve nodded and began to move, fucking him slowly at first. But Bucky growled and started to buck his hips, fucking himself hard on Steve's cock, and Steve got the message. He hooked Bucky's knees with his elbows and began to fuck him hard and fast, until Bucky was practically howling. 

Bucky began to fist his own cock in time with Steve's thrusts, moaning every time Steve hit that spot inside him. 

“Oh yeah, oh fuck, Steve, yeah, I'm gonna come, you're gonna make me come, oh god, oh, _Steve_!” and Bucky came hard, muscles clenching around Steve's cock and tipping him over the edge as he came deep inside Bucky. 

Steve moved slightly so Bucky could straighten out his legs and lay on top of him, kissing him again and again and again. Eventually, he leaned back, carefully pulling out. He looked down and saw his come dripping out of Bucky's ass, and his spent cock twitched at the sight. 

Bucky noticed him looking and pulled Steve down beside him, kissing him. “Mmm, you're such a pervert, watching your spunk drip out my hole.”

“Yeah, well, it's hot,” Steve replied with a laugh. 

“ _You're_ hot.”

Steve kissed him again, then lay back, pulling Bucky in to snuggle against him, head on Steve's chest. He kissed the top of Bucky's head and yawned, before closing his eyes and falling into a deep sleep. 

***

As the months passed, Steve started to get used to his new job. The elves had access to a cellphone--or possibly something magic that mimicked a cellphone, he wasn't sure--so they could contact him when he was needed. 

Problem was, he was running out of excuses for his disappearances. And when September came, it just got worse. He was taking trips to the North Pole two to three times a week, and though he tried to go when Bucky was asleep, when he got back Bucky was invariably awake, and then the questions would start. 

Finally, at the beginning of October, Bucky snapped. 

“You keep lying to me, Steve. I know you're not just going out and riding around. I never hear your motorcycle. I need to know…” Bucky's voice cracked and he looked at the floor. “Is there someone else?”

Steve felt something in his chest break open as he looked at Bucky's miserable face, and he strode forward, wrapping Bucky in a hug. 

“God, no. There's never been anyone else for me, Buck. You know that. I hope you know that.”

“Then where do you go?”

“I wish I could tell you. I really do. I'll try and get the okay to tell you next time, okay?”

“Okay,” Bucky said softly, kissing him. And that was that. 

Or it should have been, but Steve had apparently forgotten what a wily fucker Bucky Barnes was when he wanted to be. That night Steve left Bucky sleeping in bed and dressed quickly, before heading up to the roof. He was getting the reindeer ready when all he heard from behind him was,

“Holy _shit_ , Steve! Why is Santa’s sleigh on our roof?”

Steve turned quickly, and saw Bucky standing there, fully clothed, mouth hanging open as he stared at the sleigh. 

“Uhhh…”

“Is this why you always smell like Christmas? Are you helping Santa?” Bucky was bouncing on his toes, and Steve winced. 

“Not… exactly.”

“Then why would you have Santa’s sleigh? I mean, unless you are Santa.” Bucky laughed, but Steve just gave him a look, and the laughing cut off abruptly. “Oh no. No way.” Bucky's eyes widened. “You can't be Santa! I'd have noticed before now! And I remember you when you were a kid, no, you can't be.”

“Funny story,” Steve said, trying to smile, then sighed. “Look. I'm running late. Are you coming?”

“To the North Pole? Fuck yeah I'm coming! Oh my god, Steve, this is amazing!”

They climbed into the sleigh, and Steve wrapped Bucky up in blankets before setting off. 

As they travelled, Steve explained to Bucky what had happened and how he had been told he was the new Santa, and Bucky nearly laughed himself silly. 

“Oh man, oh Steve, that's hilarious. I can't believe Santa is real. I can't believe you're Santa. I can't believe there are real elves. This is the best day ever.”

The sleigh landed next to the workshop, and Steve helped Bucky out. Bucky was shivering with the cold, so Steve grabbed his hand and led him inside to the warmth. 

As soon as they were inside, the lead elf--whose name was Sandy--approached Steve, looking pissed. 

“I thought we explicitly told you to keep this a secret!” he said angrily, and Steve held up his hands. 

“We live together. He got suspicious about me disappearing all the time and followed me. And I'm not angry that he did because I've hated lying to him. So he's here now. Deal with it.”

Sandy subsided, muttering to himself, and Steve led Bucky around the workshop as he checked on the elves’ progress. 

“This run is behind,” Steve said sternly. “Why is this run behind? We should have at least two hundred more of these already.”

The elf in charge of that line of toys wrung his hands. “Because there's no one here all the time to keep them in line, some of the elves are getting lazy. They're taking more breaks than they are working, so we're running behind on a few different lines.”

“Who used to keep them in line?”

“Mrs Claus. But you don't live here, and you don't have a Mrs Claus, so…” The elf shrugged. 

Steve looked at Bucky consideringly, and Bucky's eyes widened. “I know you're not thinking of calling me Mrs Claus, Rogers.”

“Who else is there?” Steve asked, slightly hysterically. “We've only got two months until Christmas; we can't be behind at this stage.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes, then grinned. “Listen. I'm no Mrs Claus, but I’m ex-army, baby. I can boss the shit out of them.”

Steve nearly sagged in relief, as Bucky made his way to the front of the workshop. 

“Right, you elves, listen up,” Bucky hollered, and the room fell silent. “There's a new regime in town, and I hear that some of you have been taking advantage of Steve's good nature to slack off so you're now behind for Christmas. Well, I'm here to tell you that this ends now. Any more slacking and you answer to me, and believe me when I say you don't want that. We clear?”

The elves nodded, and Bucky grinned. “Good. Now you'd better catch up on the work you've slacked on before I get here again, or there'll be hell to pay.”

Bucky sauntered back over to Steve and pulled him in for a kiss. “How was that?”

“I think you just terrorized my elves,” Steve said, his tone amused. 

Bucky looked around, frowning. “How often are you here?”

“Two, three times a week?”

“Not enough. You got digs here?”

“Uh, yeah, there's a cottage--”

“Awesome. I say we move here for the last couple of months of the year. We'll tell everyone we're taking an extended holiday, only contact us if it's a life or death emergency, the usual.”

“You'd be okay with that?” Steve asked, gobsmacked. 

“Baby, you're Santa Claus. You gotta make a good job of this, and I'll support you however I can.”

Steve kissed him deeply. “Come on, then. Let's go get our stuff and bring it here.”

***

The team had been surprised when they'd received Steve's message about him and Bucky going on an extended holiday until after Christmas, but the general consensus seemed to be that they deserved it, so no one kicked up a fuss. 

Steve and Bucky soon settled into life at the North Pole. They had to watch what they ate, because there were always candies and cookies around the place, and the temptation to just eat them all and get fat was high. Instead, Bucky had some of the elves build them a gym, and they spent a lot of time in there working off the calories they didn't burn with all the sex they were having. 

And they were having a lot of sex. Something about the atmosphere at the North Pole did wonders for their libidos, and both of them were finding it pretty uncomfortable to sit these days. 

Christmas was fast approaching, and it was already mid December. All the toys were made except for a few last minute requests, and they were preparing for the big night. 

Steve found Santa's suit at the back of his closet that night, and held it up, laughing. 

“I think I should probably get the elves to resize this,” he said, and Bucky grinned. 

“Try it on anyway.”

Steve pulled the suit on, and gasped as he began to fill out, a pure white beard growing thick and fast on his chin. “What the fuck?” he shrieked, and Bucky looked at him open mouthed. 

“Fuck… Steve, you look like Santa!”

“This isn't funny, Buck! Quick, help me get this suit back off and maybe I'll go back to normal!”

Bucky slid off the bed and prowled over to Steve, pulling him in for a wet, messy kiss as he ran his hands over Steve's rounded stomach. 

“Uh, before we do that…”

Steve eyed Bucky's hard cock incredulously. “Are you seriously telling me this turns you on?”

“It's weird, isn't it? It's so weird but I can't help it, Steve, baby, you look so hot like that.”

Which was how Bucky ended up getting fucked by fat Santa, beard and all, bent over the bed, Steve fully clothed aside from his cock poking out his fly. 

It was weird, it was, but Steve seemed to have discovered a pretty awesome kink of Bucky's, so they ended up fucking like that every night on the run up to Christmas Eve. It got a little bit weird that one time Bucky cried out, “Oh, fuck, _Santa_!” as he came, but Steve figured that since he was Santa now it wasn't too bizarre. Not really. 

***

Finally, it was Christmas Eve. Steve's sleigh was loaded up with sacks of toys, and he was suited and booted. He looked in the mirror, unable to reconcile the fat, jolly, snow-white-bearded figure with his own self. 

“God, baby, you look so hot,” Bucky murmured, plastering his body against Steve's back so Steve could feel Bucky's cock pressing against his ass. “Sure you don't have time to fuck me before you leave?”

Steve turned around and kissed him. “When I get back, I promise.” He paused for a moment, then grinned. “Hey, wanna come with me and help?”

“Um, _yeah_!” Bucky grabbed his coat and shoes and they trudged out to the sleigh. 

By the time they reached North America, Steve was glad Bucky was with him. He was exhausted already, with millions of houses left to go. 

Sam's was the first of their friends’ houses to do, and Steve looked through his window to see him sitting in the living room, looking at a picture of Natasha and sighing. 

Steve's eyes widened, and he grinned. He grabbed some of the sleep-dust he'd been given and blew it inside, and within seconds, Sam's eyes were closed and he was snoring. 

Steve climbed through the window, left Sam's gifts under his tree, then picked up his sleeping friend and took him to the sleigh. 

“Steve, what the fuck? Kidnapping wasn't on the agenda!” Bucky whispered, but Steve just shook his head. 

“I've got an idea,” he whispered back, before continuing with his task. 

When he reached Natasha’s apartment, he carried the sack with her presents along with the sleeping Sam inside. He arranged the presents under the tree, then trussed Sam up with some red ribbon and left him there with the presents. 

Steve grinned to himself when he thought of their faces in the morning, and hoped that this would be the push they needed after dancing around each other for so long. 

***

When Steve ticked the very last house off his list, he climbed back into the sleigh next to Bucky, who was dozing off already. When they arrived back at the North Pole, Steve carried him inside, and lay him on the living room floor next to the fire, before curling up beside him and falling into a deep sleep. 

When he awoke, he was naked, and he could feel Bucky naked next to him. He opened his eyes warily, and realised they were both lying next to the tree, and Bucky was grinning down at him, a red ribbon tied around his cock with a label that said, “For Santa”. 

Steve laughed, but as Bucky leaned in to kiss him, Steve pushed him back gently.

“Hold on, you've still to open your presents,” he said with a smile. 

Bucky sighed and rolled his eyes, but took the small box that Steve held out to him. He opened it up, then looked up at Steve, the expression in his eyes a question. 

“Steve…?”

“Wanna be my Mrs Claus for real?” Steve asked nervously, and Bucky pounced on him, kissing him all over his face and neck. 

“Fuck, Steve, oh my god, yes!” Bucky cried, slipping the ring on his finger. Then he grinned and pushed Steve down on his back, waving his be-ribboned cock in Steve's face. “Now how about you open your present too?”

Steve laughed and licked him, making Bucky groan. This might not have been his first career choice, but he was pretty sure it was the best. 

Just so long as the other Avengers never found out about Bucky's kink for Santa Claus, he figured they'd be fine.


End file.
